a Jonah day

Today I woke up to a world that wouldn't stop.

Wouldn't stop demanding.

Wouldn't stop hurting.

Wouldn't stop disappointing.

We live in a world of goals and ambition. Selfish ambition.

We live in a world where the pleasing of the individual is the end goal of every day.

To the detriment of all others.

It makes me wonder how I will ever bear the rest of my days. This strange world is so far from Home. I am lonely and sad and hurt.

He says "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. " Matthew 11:28-30

Where do we lay our load? Don't try putting it on the backs of others. You will suffer endless disappointment and despair. It sounds so terrible but even your best friend, your sweetheart, your most faithful companion here will at some point disappoint you.

And what about yourself? Doesn't disappointment come when we feel we have not had our needs met? How about putting your needs last. How about dying to self. "When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take all in patient, loving silence, that is dying to self."

And just remember what He has shown to you. Unconditional love. Mercy. Grace. You won't learn how to show unconditional love if they meet all of the conditions. You won't learn how to show mercy or how to be long suffering if they never fail you, if they never sin against you. You will never learn grace, how to pour out lavishly your favour on someone who does not deserve it, if they are always deserving of all good things. (Paul Washer, paraphrase).

Each day is one where the world reaches to pulls you down. But He lifts you up.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

over the years

The worn hands that worked and froze and sweated for hours beyond imagining. 

The 62 year old wedding band. Solid gold. Won’t be broken. 

The pictures and people he points at and says of almost every face “gone.”

The pretty little lady in that ancient photo. She pipes up “I made that dress.”

Why I should spend more time with these people: they know life. Real life. They’re not worried about too much except that the cheese knife MUST go on the table with the cheese. 

After 80 years, they don’t keep too much. So what they do keep: pay close attention. 

The word. And close to heart. 

Each other. Until death do them part. 

And they keep going. Running the race before them. Looking to Jesus. The founder and perfecter of our faith. 

Lessons from Job - part 2

In grief, God is your treasure. “The magnificence of Job’s worship is because it was in grief, not because it replaced grief.” John Piper - Job: Reverent in Suffering

I didn't get this for the longest time. I struggled with suffering and worship. I felt guilty saying "Yes, God is good" and at the same time feeling the hurt, like crazy. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought there was something I missed. If I knew the reasons for trusting God, and my faith was firm, why was this still hard?

Because it's the narrow road. It's promised trials. Knowing the purpose, and having the faith doesn't make running this race any less of a race, or any less of a climb. We're still going to run out of breath. We're still going to ache and grieve in exhaustion.

We are promised suffering. And we are promised Christ. Sometimes I wonder why I keep on doing the 'right things' even though it's not the key to making these trials feel less like trials. It's still a full blown trial with every bit of grief and hurt and sadness, but not alone. Not just grief, but God. Not just sadness, but joy too in looking to Jesus. Not just suffering, but faith. Do you see it? It's hope. Hope makes you 'walk through the valley of the shadow of death'. Without hope, you'd probably just set up camp there.

“Let those who suffer according to God’s will do right and entrust their souls to a faithful Creator”
1 Peter 4:19

Lessons from Job - part 1

"Suffering is not dispensed willy-nilly among the people of God. It is apportioned to us as individually designed, expert therapy by the loving hand of our great Physician. And its aim is that our faith might be refined, our holiness might be enlarged, our soul might be saved, and our God might be glorified." - John Piper, Job: Rebuked in Suffering

Our Father disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. - Hebrews 12:10–11

learning...

That it's just a day, or an hour, or a moment. Not a lifetime. 

How not to make mountains out of molehills. 

That jealousy gets you nowhere so just be thankful. 

That third-wheeling is in the backseat, but still getting all the laughs and the ice cream.

How to accept kindness, just because. People are nice, ya know. 

That you aren't a mind reader so don't judge them like you know.

That it's okay to like solidarity, but don't reject community. 

How to take the 30 seconds to put my clothes away. 

That the world goes around just as much as it comes around. 

That he's not holding my hand yet because there's other people who need to be more important in my life right now. 

How to pray more. 

How to overthink less. 

And maybe how to use a little less ketchup. 

hard

When Sunday's sermons come from the grey SONY speakers and you still try to sing with all your heart. It's hard.

When it seems like it's easier to get a minister over to Africa than a tiny town called Cambridge in Nova Scotia. It's hard.

When you watch the sad tiredness of your elders who lead and pastor and this is not their job; no - they still work full time besides for their family. It's hard.

When you eat up the good food from the visiting pulpit supply because you really don't know when the next good meal will be. It's hard.

When the young man starts coming and the cancer is taking over and his heart is searching - where is the pastor? It's hard.

When the widow dies and who will be pastor to take care of it all? Not ours. It's hard.

When it's been two years of having a different voice almost every week and sometimes not knowing until Friday who it will be. It's hard.

When you think you've found the one. Yes. The love is there and the good fruit. But it is not to be? It's hard.

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

When you hear "and as your days, so shall your strength be."

And "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

And "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;"

It's all you can do, to pray 'Lord, move this from my head to my heart'.

And it's really, really hard.

my heart

Holland.  

There are no words.   

Pretty sure I left half of my heart there three years ago.  

Guess I'll have to back to get it.