currently #4

hearing...

the rain. Some days it's pleasant but some days it feels like the sky is just crying with you.

remembering...

those so called 'good old days'. But what are we living right now? The good old days to come. Don't live out of the moment.

drinking...

steeped tea. Tart granny green apple green tea. I think. All thanks to my tea guy! (Shout-out to Sten who gave the guy to me!)

liking...

my work. I get to be outside. And dirty. And it's pretty great. Except for that farmer's tan but that's okay.

I guess some things don't change much in ten years. 

choosing...

self-forgetfulness. Wouldn't that be fabulous? But we live in a world where all that matters is your self esteem. Whether low or high, don't forget, the problem isn't the 'low' or 'high' part, it's the 'self' part.

no one ever told me that grief felt so like fear...

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

To the mourners: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Matthew 5:4

Laziness

Been thinking about it a lot lately. It's danger. It's opposite.

I have recently come out of a five month stretch of doing... nothing. Well, it felt like nothing. And there's nothing worse than nothing.

Now I have a job. Full hours. Hard hours. Good days. A few months ago, I didn't even want to work. I didn't really want a summer job. I thought I would just pick berries and babysit and hope I would get a good job as soon as I was done college. That would've been easy street for me. And I have learned that it's usually easy street that has a dead end.

Thankfully, I have parents who do know what's best, and love me and push me to do it. I did not want to, but by grace I did and now I am beyond thankful that I did and that they did.

And then I began thinking and comparing the now to the nothing. It's easy to sit around all day on Pinterest and Facebook and just do the dishes and maybe clean the house and read. But at the end of the day? That's hard, and that's the dead end I kept running in to. I was in a rut, and it's hard to get out, and nearly impossible to do so alone. But once you are out, you know there would be nothing worse than to fall back in. But it's not easy. You have to be strong, and humble, seeking the help from others and God on High. And you can't be lazy.

You can't be lazy in your devotions. Or you will lose the appetite.

You can't be lazy in your friendships. Or you will get bitter.

You can't be lazy in the church. Or you will fall into pride.

You can't be lazy in thankfulness. Or you will despair.

Did I say it's hard? I am not even twenty years old and I think it's hard. And I think it will only get harder. And I know I will only get stronger. And that His grace is sufficient.

~

Oh. And happs to my little bro on turning 18 today. Thanks for waxing my car. :)