a Jonah day

Today I woke up to a world that wouldn't stop.

Wouldn't stop demanding.

Wouldn't stop hurting.

Wouldn't stop disappointing.

We live in a world of goals and ambition. Selfish ambition.

We live in a world where the pleasing of the individual is the end goal of every day.

To the detriment of all others.

It makes me wonder how I will ever bear the rest of my days. This strange world is so far from Home. I am lonely and sad and hurt.

He says "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. " Matthew 11:28-30

Where do we lay our load? Don't try putting it on the backs of others. You will suffer endless disappointment and despair. It sounds so terrible but even your best friend, your sweetheart, your most faithful companion here will at some point disappoint you.

And what about yourself? Doesn't disappointment come when we feel we have not had our needs met? How about putting your needs last. How about dying to self. "When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take all in patient, loving silence, that is dying to self."

And just remember what He has shown to you. Unconditional love. Mercy. Grace. You won't learn how to show unconditional love if they meet all of the conditions. You won't learn how to show mercy or how to be long suffering if they never fail you, if they never sin against you. You will never learn grace, how to pour out lavishly your favour on someone who does not deserve it, if they are always deserving of all good things. (Paul Washer, paraphrase).

Each day is one where the world reaches to pulls you down. But He lifts you up.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

over the years

The worn hands that worked and froze and sweated for hours beyond imagining. 

The 62 year old wedding band. Solid gold. Won’t be broken. 

The pictures and people he points at and says of almost every face “gone.”

The pretty little lady in that ancient photo. She pipes up “I made that dress.”

Why I should spend more time with these people: they know life. Real life. They’re not worried about too much except that the cheese knife MUST go on the table with the cheese. 

After 80 years, they don’t keep too much. So what they do keep: pay close attention. 

The word. And close to heart. 

Each other. Until death do them part. 

And they keep going. Running the race before them. Looking to Jesus. The founder and perfecter of our faith. 

Lessons from Job - part 2

In grief, God is your treasure. “The magnificence of Job’s worship is because it was in grief, not because it replaced grief.” John Piper - Job: Reverent in Suffering

I didn't get this for the longest time. I struggled with suffering and worship. I felt guilty saying "Yes, God is good" and at the same time feeling the hurt, like crazy. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought there was something I missed. If I knew the reasons for trusting God, and my faith was firm, why was this still hard?

Because it's the narrow road. It's promised trials. Knowing the purpose, and having the faith doesn't make running this race any less of a race, or any less of a climb. We're still going to run out of breath. We're still going to ache and grieve in exhaustion.

We are promised suffering. And we are promised Christ. Sometimes I wonder why I keep on doing the 'right things' even though it's not the key to making these trials feel less like trials. It's still a full blown trial with every bit of grief and hurt and sadness, but not alone. Not just grief, but God. Not just sadness, but joy too in looking to Jesus. Not just suffering, but faith. Do you see it? It's hope. Hope makes you 'walk through the valley of the shadow of death'. Without hope, you'd probably just set up camp there.

“Let those who suffer according to God’s will do right and entrust their souls to a faithful Creator”
1 Peter 4:19

Lessons from Job - part 1

"Suffering is not dispensed willy-nilly among the people of God. It is apportioned to us as individually designed, expert therapy by the loving hand of our great Physician. And its aim is that our faith might be refined, our holiness might be enlarged, our soul might be saved, and our God might be glorified." - John Piper, Job: Rebuked in Suffering

Our Father disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. - Hebrews 12:10–11

learning...

That it's just a day, or an hour, or a moment. Not a lifetime. 

How not to make mountains out of molehills. 

That jealousy gets you nowhere so just be thankful. 

That third-wheeling is in the backseat, but still getting all the laughs and the ice cream.

How to accept kindness, just because. People are nice, ya know. 

That you aren't a mind reader so don't judge them like you know.

That it's okay to like solidarity, but don't reject community. 

How to take the 30 seconds to put my clothes away. 

That the world goes around just as much as it comes around. 

That he's not holding my hand yet because there's other people who need to be more important in my life right now. 

How to pray more. 

How to overthink less. 

And maybe how to use a little less ketchup. 

hard

When Sunday's sermons come from the grey SONY speakers and you still try to sing with all your heart. It's hard.

When it seems like it's easier to get a minister over to Africa than a tiny town called Cambridge in Nova Scotia. It's hard.

When you watch the sad tiredness of your elders who lead and pastor and this is not their job; no - they still work full time besides for their family. It's hard.

When you eat up the good food from the visiting pulpit supply because you really don't know when the next good meal will be. It's hard.

When the young man starts coming and the cancer is taking over and his heart is searching - where is the pastor? It's hard.

When the widow dies and who will be pastor to take care of it all? Not ours. It's hard.

When it's been two years of having a different voice almost every week and sometimes not knowing until Friday who it will be. It's hard.

When you think you've found the one. Yes. The love is there and the good fruit. But it is not to be? It's hard.

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

When you hear "and as your days, so shall your strength be."

And "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

And "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;"

It's all you can do, to pray 'Lord, move this from my head to my heart'.

And it's really, really hard.

my heart

Holland.  

There are no words.   

Pretty sure I left half of my heart there three years ago.  

Guess I'll have to back to get it. 

currently #6

growing...

Two little baby aloe plants. And like 1400 watermelon plants. Okay not quite. That would be a lot of watermelon. 

hearing...

The happy happy birds. And Dream. 

loving...

Birthday cake tea. Best ever. 

praying...

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground. 

Ps. 143:10 

reading...

My summer book Dandelion Wine. It's just something you should do. Start in May. Little by little. Story by story. It's like living two summers at once. 

avoiding...

Dairy. My life feels partly ruined. Like, ice cream, iced coffees. C'mon... 

hoping...

Isn't that what we're always doing? Living in joyful hope. Not always happy, but joyful in hope.

Spring Chat

I love spring. It's so exciting.

And with the excitement comes restlessness. List making. Plan devising.

Gotta make that picnic happen for real this summer.
Go to the drive-in with the truck and portable radio and mounds of pillows and blankets and friends.
Campfires. Often.
Actually go to the ocean because you only live five minutes away.
ICECREAM

(Let's not approach the subject of reality with a list of awesomeness like that)

As the World Goes 'Round

I have yet to read Charles Dickens' Little Dorrit, but I have seen BBC's mini-series on the novel and quite love the story. There is a line in the TV series that I am not certain is in the book, but I still love its meaning: "As the world goes 'round, so it comes 'round again."

As I was just heading into a week of difficult shifts, I had to keep reminding myself that it always goes, and it always comes, over and over. That nothing bad comes without eventually leaving again, and the good things are not out of sight forever. And if you're in a hard spot, don't start running. Because sometimes you are on the bottom of the earth, but you need to stay put in order to come out on the top again. The world is always turning. You'll never be on the bottom forever.

The bad news is nothing lasts forever. The good news is nothing lasts forever. But God is always good. And glory be, He is our God.

okay

Confession.

I will never be a truly consistent blogger. It's just not in my blood.

But. What is in my blood is pride.

So. I will never delete this blog in defeat. But will always keep it and write posts that contain a sentence or two about how long it's been since I've written and then I will expect the reader (hello? Do you even exist?) to get over it.

And that's what that was.

Over it yet?

Okay. Great.

*kitty pictures are not relevant whatsoever except that they belong to me and I like taking their pictures even though they really don't care*

about time

When you get asked about your blog.

And you realize it's been on your to do list for a while and never crossed off.

You get in gear and just write a few words to confirm your existence.

Even if it's just the first few words that come out of your finger tips.

And it's all you've got. On a long week. A rainy day.

But on the bright side...



It's quite a wonderful time of the year :)

Choosing

I chose something.

I chose to love. I decided not to hate.

Even though it's harder. Even though it's what everyone else is not doing. Even though it would be completely understandable to keep hating.

Why choose, then?

Because, once, Someone else chose the same thing.

Except it was even harder.

You think it's hard to love your enemy?

Imagine loving the person who hates you, tramples on you, cheats on you, lies to you, ignores you; imagine loving them so much, you would die for them.

And then they lie, cheat, and trample on you again.

Would you not chose to hate them? It's what they deserve, right?

Well let me tell you something.

You are loved. 

It is the most undeserved love, and it is the greatest love in the world. It's ours! Ours to receive, and ours to give. No, they won't deserve it, but what we don't deserve to have we shouldn't be reluctant to give.

Give love. Choose love.

currently #5

dreading... 

Another seven day work week. I see more and more why God created a day of rest. We need the Spiritual refreshment, but our bodies need to rest from work as well. However, sin came in, and so people have heart issues and babies and accidents on Sunday too...

anticipating... 

Literally everything else. Incoming parcels. De-bonding of the ol' braces. Movie night. Planes. Prairies. Brothers. Road trips. Friends. Family. Wedding times.

packing... 

A dozen days in advance.

hearing...

Dad outside on the tractor doing... I'm not really sure. Something with dirt and steel and the new deck. I think.

craving...

Apple crisp and vanilla ice cream. And cinnamon buns.

waiting... 

For the hockey season to start. Yes, I'm one of those Canadian Girls.

Busy?

A small word. Much used. Much misused.

I have pondered many a time on the use of this word. I have judged people who have used it. I have justified myself to use it.

I think the biggest problem is this word has a selfish, and an ungrateful notation to it. It has become a self-gaining, self-pitying word. It is used to make people praise the busy one. It is used to make people pity the busy one.

But. Is busy bad? Is busy about self?

Busy should be 'the time I have been given by God is utterly consumed in Kingdom work. There's none left for my own self endeavors. And He is good. He will provide.'

So how do you know if you are truly busy, or if you just are using your time unwisely?

I would ask myself these questions.

Did I choose my busy? If so, that's not busy, that's doing as you please.

Do I have time to think about or talk about my busy? If so, think again, my friend.

Do I glorify my busy? If so... Need I say more?

The person who is truly selflessly and humbly busy is the last person you will hear use the word. They do not care that they are busy, they may not even know it. Their time is not their own.

Also, do not be so proud as to never use the word. If you are too busy, and if your priorities are starting to get out of order, seek help. In Exodus 18, Moses' father-in-law observed that Moses had too much on his plate and said 'it is not good', and that he and the people would wear themselves out. His solution was to seek help, from 'abled men'. See? It's not even about being busy here, it's about the good of the people and the serving and obeying of God.

And that's what your day should be. Whether every hour is filled or whether you have time enough on your hands to complete your tasks easily, your time is His. It is doubly His. Because He made you, and he bought you. With His life, and in His time.

Every Lady Loves a Gentleman

gen-tle-man: loves and obeys the Lord; strong and a leader, yet gentle; keeps his word; teachable; compassionate; humble; selfless; courteous; shows respect and is respected; does the right thing even when no one is looking; chivalrous; conducts himself at a high standard; noble.

And remember ladies, chivalry isn't dead, it just followed wherever being lady-like went....

Happy Saturday.

have courage and be kind

Simply so. 

I need courage to love the unkind. 

I need kindness to love the weak. 

When they bring you down to raise themselves up. Have courage and be kind. 

When you face unwanted memories coming back in persons. Have courage and be kind. 

When the every day becomes monotonous and dreary. Have courage and be kind. 

When they think the world revolves around them. Have courage and be kind. 

And just when you think, I can't - remember, He had courage. He was kind. To those like them. To those like you. 

Father's Day

I always have mixed emotions about this day. And Mother's Day.

In one sense, it can be fun. And special.

But mostly I think "I love my dad every day."

This year, however, I have very, VERY different emotions about this day.

I see it when I go on Facebook. I think about it when I see pictures. Or when someone's thoughts come out loud. It's in the hearts of my friends and my family.

This Father's Day, not I, but dear loved ones will hurt. They are without a father, they are a father to one less. There will be loud reminders from every corner in the world to them, that they are in grief. That this day is missing something.

The cycle is always going, and now the hard hurt comes around. Floods of thoughts, memories, moments, and the darkest life changing moment ever. These days of incredible joy and celebration turn into the longest and hardest of days.

The questions don't really stop. But neither does His grace. He says "Blessed are those who mourn." He says "My grace is sufficient for you." He says "As your days, so shall your strength be." He says "All things work together for good."

Because, He is our Heavenly Father.

smiling in the rain

On this rather dreary day, when it is not only wet, but cold and slushy, when there is death but not dying, when there is a longing for home, when there is anxious and fear of the unknown, when there is far more than a bit of damp... 

I am not smiling. 

Opposites attract... I suppose. 

No excuses, missy. 

But there is a fellow across the café, an elderly and weathered man. He smiles, faintly. And I like it. Content with his coffee and paper.

And here I am unsmiling with a coffee and computer and phone and chocolate and Dickens...

Discontent.

To smile right now is humble, is grateful, and is content. To smile when it's raining is trust. The storms will pass, the storm is for good, and our Father in Heaven will see to that.

And don't forget... rain makes things grow...

March

I call it the month of restless. 

Yes?