on our knees

I think this happens when we jump. 

You know? You're doing good, you're high, and you can get higher... if you jump. 

Jump. 

Crash. 

Down. Way, way down. 

Oh, what a reminder. What a humbling, and good reminder from our God that we cannot jump on our own, we cannot stand on our own. We need His hand. And when we forget this, His hand - it doesn't let go - it just brings us a little lower so we can pray. God brings us to our knees so we will look to Him again. 

But we forget. 

A lot. 

Why?

Because. We are weak. So, so weak. 

But. He is good. So, so good. And He loves us. He is our Father, and we are His children. And a father will guide his children because he can see more and he knows and more and he is stronger. Even when we have no idea - no idea that we need - he provides. He provides. He comes back and reminds us and by grace we are turned back to prayer. 

And we pray. 

And He hears. Yes, He hears our prayers even when it was He who reminded us to ask. 

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." 

- Matthew 7:7

It's a promise. 

words

Yeah.

 But if you don't, no big deal. You'll find their flavour in the words of others. Because you can be sure they will come back to you.

Words.
I don't want to say a word,
unless it points the world back to You.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anVweXDcxhA

cover up

Well, yes.

I think there are several reasons for this.

Insecurity. That's huge. It's those masks that we wear. They drain us. But we cover up, again. In heavy layers.

Pride. Again, huge. Can't let people know I am weak. Can't let them know my issues. I got this.

Conformity. The world has painted this picture of an ideal character but how often is the ideal the real? Well, since the real is sin tainted, and the ideal is 'perfect'... How?

Be real. Ok? People like real. They actually do. Perfect is intimidating.

wise old owl

I remember the day my mom taught me this one. I remember the exact location.

And it's stuck with me ever since.

But I can't say it's sunk in ever since.

*guilty look

*that's so cliché

*I dislike clichés

*strongly

***

Again, wisdom. A whole book of the Bible on it. Wow.

I used to think that to be silent made me wise. But wisdom doesn't stem from silence. Silence stems from wisdom. First you gain wisdom (note: slight conundrum here. Is it wise to gain wisdom? Are you wise to become wise? Or is there another step before that? Grace, maybe?), then you learn how little you really are and how much you have yet to learn. And do we learn when we are the ones talking? Rarely.

I don't want to go too much further with this because I have more than one pin on the subject.

And if I keep on talking, I won't be wise.

Hehe.

Thank Him

Um. Wow.

So, what are you really, really truly grateful for?

Cause, well if you aren't thankful for it, you won't care if it's taken away, right?

Ah ha! Gotcha, didn't I?

I feel like I am talking to a five year old.

But then, isn't that we are, in God's sight? Poor, weak, silly, ungrateful children. Like children, we never stop to think just how dependent we are. Like children, we forget to thank because we are so focused on grabbing what is being given to us. Like children, we fight over what isn't even ours. Like children, we are so apt to claim possession on things that have been given to us, as if we were the ones who by our own strengths and means obtained it. And like children, we think we deserve it.

Really, though. As children, we have no strength and no means to provide for ourselves. We are unworthy, we are undeserving, and we are so very ungrateful.

Oh. But as children, we have a Father. We are loved. Unworthily so; unto death even. What gift have we not been given?

Can you tell me this?

What are you in need of that our Heavenly Father has not provided? What has He provided that you are not even in need of?

And then, what do you thank Him for?

Can you tell me this?

I can't.

For all Your goodness I will keep on singing

Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find. 

consent

I was thinking about combining this one with a few other quotes I have pinned, because this one falls slightly short of what I would like to dig into. While this is true, the Christian should go deeper than their own consent; we should be all about God's consent. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 4:3 "But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself."

What?

Let's keep going.

"For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me." (vs.4)

I like this quote. I really do. It is a reminder not to live off of the praises of men.

But that is yet another quote I have pinned. So I better stop.



Happy Wednesday. We're over the hump.

love

Yeah. Don't try and define it to death. Receive it. Feel it. Give it. Do it.

"Love never ends. ...as for is knowledge, it will pass away." 1 Cor. 13:8

wisdom

Well, yes. 

Let us be wise. 

How? 

The fear of the Lord... 

Why fear Him?

Well, seek Him. 

And you will know Him. 

And you will fear Him. 

And that is the beginning of wisdom. 

will

What can I say? He will. He has promised. 

"As your days, so shall your strength be." Deut. 33:25. 

"Be still and know that I am God." Ps. 46:10

"The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." Ps. 16:6

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Rom. 8:28

Sometimes I think "I can't do it. I won't make it." What does that mean, "won't make it"? Won't live through it? So you'll die. Because of homework. Because of a tough character. Because of the dark valley. 

Silly silly me. 

Of course I will make it, I just don't want to. I dread it. My faith is weak. I get through it. I scold myself. But then? I do it all over again. Every. Time. 

God will always bring you through it. His will is perfect. And He is good. God is always, always so good. Never doubt His goodness. 

cross

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.

John 15:13

So, obviously, if we want to express love, are we not to go to the greatest expression of love in the history of this world? And how is that act expressed? In the Cross. The Cross of Christ. 

We say this is the greatest act of love in history, and yet, we are not even aware of just how great. We may try to comprehend, but I don't believe we can. We cannot comprehend just how sinful we are. We cannot comprehend just how perfect and holy and righteous Christ is. We cannot fathom the degree of degradation for Christ to humble Himself to become man. We can't. We just cannot. And if we cannot comprehend those things, how in the world are to understand this sacrifice? We understand the degree of sacrifice it is for one to give their day off to help the neighbour, and we can even understand the sacrifice of a parent for a child, even unto death. We can get that. We can see, and feel that amount of love. But what we have no clue about is Christ's love for us. Yes, we love us, we love each other, but can I ask you something? How much do you love a worm? Would you die for a worm? Would you? 

I wouldn't. 

But He did. 

keep close

... go

We recently had a guest preacher filling in for our own minister who was on vacation. Out of the near two hours that he preached, this is what I remembered. Is there anything between your heart and Jesus's heart? Are you hugging the world? And is it blocking the way between Christ's heart and yours? 

That's... scary. Because it is so easy. It's so easy for me to put off devotions for a few extra minutes of sleep or study. It is so easy to let my mind wander to things 'not above' and forget to meditate on grace. It's so easy to try and take matters into my own hands and forget to pray. PRAY. I do that a lot; I'm a control freak. 

Another easy-to-fall-into-trap, (for me personally) is putting my family and friends before God.  Honestly, I think about them far more than I do about God. I have more worry for them than faith that God is in control.

BUT, that's where my faith is weak. That is where I need to start walking closer to God.  

And can I say that this? The things that we don't want to come in between us and God are not necessarily to be disposed of... they are simply to be the after-thought, and seen through our walk with God. Obviously, don't dispose of your family, but have faith for them and love them through the Gospel. Make your walk with God seen in the world, and don't let the world into your walk. 

idea

So I was laying in bed last night. 

No, seriously, I was.

Incredible? Right?

Actually, it was my new bed. Well, new to me. It's giant. I love it.

And I was thinking about my blog. And about my spare time while I am at college. And about all of those thoughts and ideas and arguments with self that I had over the summer. Really, what else are you supposed to do during a 10 hour weeding job? Not just weed, let me tell you.

I had already decided I was going to blog more once I was done work. You may have noticed that I slacked over the summer. Or you may not have. Hehe...

I am a pinterester, very much so. And I have a great many quotes and wise words and Scripture verses pinned up on there. And they are all so beautiful, and they are labled "remember this"... but I never do.

But I want to. So here's my idea. I am going to take each pin, each quote, each verse and dig in. Some more than others, I am sure.

I have no idea if I will last... I mean, there's 163 of them... and that number gets bigger every week. But I am going to give it a go.

Ready, set...

new things #2

1. I have moved away from home again. But this time I am only a 4 hour drive away instead of a 24 hour drive. Big difference. Happy difference.

2. I start college tomorrow. I am pretty pumped. I get to wear scrubs and play with needles and it will be totally cool except for when we practice on each other. That will be less cool.

3. My parents are less than a week away from being 'empty-nesters'. Well, sorta. Pretty sure the nest won't stay empty for long, but it is still gonna happen. Whoa.

4. I came up with a really nifty idea for blogging... which I reveal in the next blog post... which I will probably also post today.

5. I have decided I have no idea what is coming. None. Whatsoever.

6. I have decided that is perfectly okay. Because His plan is perfectly okay. Perfectly fit for me. And perfectly beautiful for His Kingdom. It's going to be fabulous.

please don't

You know what really gets me?

Actually, I don't really get it at all.

When people point out that you're shy, or quiet.

Oh thanks, I had no idea. That totally helps with how uncomfortable I feel right now.

Not saying that introverts trump extroverts. Balance is great, but sometimes, I like my corner.

Thanks anyway.

***Three days later: this video.

currently #4

hearing...

the rain. Some days it's pleasant but some days it feels like the sky is just crying with you.

remembering...

those so called 'good old days'. But what are we living right now? The good old days to come. Don't live out of the moment.

drinking...

steeped tea. Tart granny green apple green tea. I think. All thanks to my tea guy! (Shout-out to Sten who gave the guy to me!)

liking...

my work. I get to be outside. And dirty. And it's pretty great. Except for that farmer's tan but that's okay.

I guess some things don't change much in ten years. 

choosing...

self-forgetfulness. Wouldn't that be fabulous? But we live in a world where all that matters is your self esteem. Whether low or high, don't forget, the problem isn't the 'low' or 'high' part, it's the 'self' part.

no one ever told me that grief felt so like fear...

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

To the mourners: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Matthew 5:4

Laziness

Been thinking about it a lot lately. It's danger. It's opposite.

I have recently come out of a five month stretch of doing... nothing. Well, it felt like nothing. And there's nothing worse than nothing.

Now I have a job. Full hours. Hard hours. Good days. A few months ago, I didn't even want to work. I didn't really want a summer job. I thought I would just pick berries and babysit and hope I would get a good job as soon as I was done college. That would've been easy street for me. And I have learned that it's usually easy street that has a dead end.

Thankfully, I have parents who do know what's best, and love me and push me to do it. I did not want to, but by grace I did and now I am beyond thankful that I did and that they did.

And then I began thinking and comparing the now to the nothing. It's easy to sit around all day on Pinterest and Facebook and just do the dishes and maybe clean the house and read. But at the end of the day? That's hard, and that's the dead end I kept running in to. I was in a rut, and it's hard to get out, and nearly impossible to do so alone. But once you are out, you know there would be nothing worse than to fall back in. But it's not easy. You have to be strong, and humble, seeking the help from others and God on High. And you can't be lazy.

You can't be lazy in your devotions. Or you will lose the appetite.

You can't be lazy in your friendships. Or you will get bitter.

You can't be lazy in the church. Or you will fall into pride.

You can't be lazy in thankfulness. Or you will despair.

Did I say it's hard? I am not even twenty years old and I think it's hard. And I think it will only get harder. And I know I will only get stronger. And that His grace is sufficient.

~

Oh. And happs to my little bro on turning 18 today. Thanks for waxing my car. :)

A Tale of Writer's Block

So I sat here.

And I wondered what I should write about.

And I thought the answer was "Write about what is on your heart."

And sense came into play and said "That will take forever and a half."

So I wondered again what I should write about.

And I wrote this and the above five lines. But I had to count them first.

Then I listened to the robin chirp.

And the laundry spin.

And I still didn't know.

So I went on Pinterest to try and find a good quote to elaborate on.

And there were too many to choose from.

And also some really cute babies and outfits and critters.

So my mind wandered. And then wondered again about what to write about.

That's when I saw them.

Ants. On the floor. On my laptop.

'Tis the season.

SPRING!

Who else is pumped?

Olaf is.

And then I thought "Hey! I haven't posted about my Holland trip yet!"

But that was a long time ago. And it's hard to just pick one or two pictures.

Did I mention my hair grew an inch?

Yup.

Okay. Now I'm bored.

So I think I'm going to stop.

And just let ya'll know that this tale of writer's block was written. Duh. I know. But then there was never any writer's block, write? I mean, right?

Happy Tuesday! Happy, dark, damp, cold, rainy Tuesday.

My nose is frozen.

moments

Well, I'm off across the big, big sea in just a few days.

When everything is just for the moment, I find myself anywhere but present in that moment just before the moment.

Just be present now. 

I've been trying to tell myself that a lot this week.

Yes. I know it is Tuesday.

There are a lot of things to think about when you're on canal tours, or eating dutch pannenkoeken, or biking along the country roads of Holland. Like, a summer job or college enrollment. Or travel insurance, or what's on the schedule for tomorrow?

But what I want, what I should be thinking about is that moment. How my Oma is so happy to be here with her granddaughters. How amazing it is that I'm here. I thought I would be retired before I finally made it to Holland.

Even now, one of the first warm days of spring, I'm worrying about tomorrow. Airports are scary. Will I find my ride? Will I get my bag? Will I find food?

Okay, maybe not the last one.

Just be present now. To not live in the now, is to be ungrateful for the past. Is to have fear of the future. So where is thankfulness? Where is faith? But to live in the present. Ah. That, my friend, is faith, and joy.

And to be anxious, "about your life," is faith in the wrong place. Self. And that's pride. So am I humble in the moment? Am I trusting that God is truly the Lord of my life? Or am I trying to be in control?

These next two weeks are going to be a test for me. Will I simply be present in the moment? Will I live to be grateful, and faithful, and humble? I hope so.

Now, to not be anxious about that...

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow,

 for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. "

Matthew 6:34

Because

Because my biggest board on Pinterest is the one where I store things well said....

Because His will be done. And because His grace is sufficient. 

Because Christ did this. He totally made this love manifest. 

Just replace 'man' with 'God'. Yes. 

Because your eyes should always be on Christ. 

Because of everything else. 

Five Minute Friday: making the most

I had this strange sensation of panic the other day.

That I wouldn't make the most of tomorrow.

I wanted to make the most of every moment with my family, with the sunshine, with music, with food, with everything.

I wanted every minute spent with my family to be joyful. I wanted to soak in all the sunshine I could. I only wanted to listen to the most favourite of my favourite songs. And I didn't want to waste my taste buds on anything I didn't like.

Why?

Not really sure. I think it has something to do with spring. Something to do with that strange new energy that I get this time every year. It makes me want to do amazing, beautiful things. All the time.

What?

I can't do that.

So I crash. And burn. And get mad. And become lazy. And make the worst out of everything.

Huh?

Conclusion? umm........

How to make the most of your day: don't go there. Just don't. Just live. Just do grace, and smiles. Lots and lots of them.

And remember. What is here today will be gone tomorrow. So those seconds in the sun, and those tunes, and that food; whatev. Just whatev.

Pin for the post:

vacation

I've decided the best kind of vacations you can have are the ones where you make the most best memories.

And you usually need people to make good memories.

And pretty awesome people at that.

You don't necessarily need a different climate. Or satellite T.V. Or super, amazing, professionally cooked food.

What else do you do with three feet of snow? 

On the contrary, frigid temperatures, zero internet, and good old fashioned home cooked dinners prepared by someone who can't smell and has lost some sense of taste can make for a pretty sweet vacation.

Because that cook is someone so dear, I'm not sure I can explain it.

Tea Time

I think someday I would like to go somewhere tropical, to escape the winter and get a tan before everyone else. But for now I am simply reflecting on a boatload of memories made in Northwestern Ontario, made with dear people who are either much older than me or much younger than me. I find you learn the most from people who are not your peers. And you can enjoy your time with them so very much.

Wal-Mart Chillin'

Yup. It was going out for a vegetarian Valentine's Day dinner with cousins and aunt that was so unique. It was bringing in young, lively spirits (and music) to the elderly that was so rewarding. It was getting up early to watch hockey before breakfast with many excited little people that was so thrilling. It was going cross-country skiing with a chatty young fellow and spotting porcupines that was so entertaining. It was hanging out with engineer uncle that was so fascinating. It was competitive games of Holland Memory that got feisty. And it was spending calm, quiet evenings with Oma that was so, so special.

Go Canada! 

I can't say I would have ever chosen to only have younger cousins or elderly grand-people surrounding me for three weeks, but I think I would now. Because being a care-free kid is so fun and relaxing. And just sitting and listening and learning from those who have gone before you is so sobering. My little cousins really taught me that there is so much fun to be had, as long as you just don't care. And my Oma taught me how short and precious every moment in life is. And how good I have it. Oh, I have had it so good.

Cross-Country Skiing

I don't think I would have learned this in Hawaii.

Unless those people were there too. :)

currently #4

(cause when you haven't blogged in a while this will usually pull you through)

Tasting

Sweet potato fries... just taste testing. 

Thinking

I better go check to make sure I didn't burn my sweet potato fries. 

Experiencing

Much excitement for my trip to see Oma and cousins and aunts and uncles. 8 more sleeps.

Making

A list for the trip! I think I'm gonna need two suitcases. 

Reflecting

On good times and how they end and how important it is to reset your focus. Every. Single. Day. 

Hoping

For an early spring. For a long hot summer. For no more snow storms. In other words: to magically turn Canada into something that isn't Canada. Okay, so never mind. 

Loving

The chickadees and yellow finches and once in a while the ruby chested finches that make their way to our bird feeders. Is there anything like their chorus?

Dreaming

About the rest of this year. We're already 1/12 done it, guys. It's so gonna go fast. 

Trying

This. 

Heading Downtown

I think I must be a country girl.

Downtown fascinates me.

And this is just downtown Halifax, people. We're not even talking big city here.

I can't find the cream and sugar stuff at Starbucks. What's it doing way over there?

By the way, that was the most whipped cream I have ever had on a hot chocolate.

And elevators, in 15+ story buildings. I thought I was going to faint. And all of those buttons kinda freaked me out. Thank you, lady who was also going to the 15th floor.

I was just sitting in a coffee shop on a busy street corner in the bright, cold, morning sunshine and watching people.

The rough workers just doing what they always do. Pulling out wires and bolting lampposts back together again. Then in for a coffee. Ahhh, break time.

The preppy young man with the David's Tea bag holding his tablet and other stuff. Huh, cool. I like your hat and shoes. I hope you have a good and enlightening day at the office or studio or wherever.

The eccentric girl with yellow and orange hair, red and green plaid jacket and purple flowery leggings. She looks cold. I wonder how dark was her night and how happy will her day be? Is that young man next to her going to care for her, and love her and commit to her forever? The sad reality struck me. How often is it so?

Then I see someone running. Her target? That young woman there on the other side of the road who receives a big bear hug from the running lady. I hear muffled chatter and laughter and off they go walking down the street, into the coffee shop. Those conversations are the best. Catching up. Then maybe going shopping after?

Every person that walks by is more than just what makes this street busy. They all have a story, a goal. They may be stressed about something or so excited about something that how can everyone here not see it? I didn't. I'm sorry. But then, did you see my anxious heart a moment ago? Or the happiness I feel now that it is over? Probably not. I'm going to have a good day now, but are they? Are you?

I probably could have sat there all day. It was just so fascinating, and thought-provoking, and relaxing all at the same time. Pretty much all the traffic I see every day are the chickadees taking turns at coming to the window feeder. And that's okay. It makes the city more fun.

Well, to all of you folks who made that morning so very interesting, I bid you good day. I offer my thanks. Have a blessed week.

Lauren

Five Minute Friday: silence

I did an experiment this week.

I lived headphone-less.

It was awesome.

Instead of getting my mind filled up I emptied it a little. And then I went searching.

What did I find?

A lot of thoughts. They really needed to be found, and thought out. And prayed about.

I found the need for increasing your dialogue with your Creator Lord. I've always wanted to work on that. This was totally the way to do it.

I found doing dishes and hearing the dishes really calms your soul.

Because you come to know you're alive. You have gifts. You have abilities that by God's grace you have kept throughout all your days. Through car-crashes, sporting accidents, and oh so much more that just didn't happen.

Silence. Where were you?

Right there. In front of me. I need to look more. Way more. When it's hard. And then you need to ask, "is this where it was? Well, let's try and see."

And there it was.

And so many other things.

Let's take a moment of silence. Let's talk to ourselves instead of just listening to ourselves. Let's talk with the Lord. Let's take a break from hearing about Him. Let's go praise Him. Thank Him. Ask Him.

It was a magnificent experiment. It's going to become a lifestyle. That's the way to go for me.

Leah

It's quite the love story. It's scandalous, it's sad, and oh so beautiful and full of grace.

She wasn't loved. She wasn't pretty. Her eyes were 'weak', cross-eyed or protruding. She lived in the shadow of her stunning younger sister, Rachel. And that's whom Jacob loved.

He loved Rachel so much he payed quite the price for her. A significantly higher price than what was customary in those days. He worked for her father, Laban for seven years to get her. Yet it seemed but a few days for Jacob because of his love for Rachel.

Wait, isn't this a story about Leah?

Yes. And no.

When the time came for Jacob to wed the daughter of Laban, the veiled bride was presented to Jacob.

But it wasn't Rachel.

They were wed, the veil was lifted, and Jacob came to know what deception was done to him. So he went to confront his father-in-law.

Laban defends himself by saying the younger is not to proceed the older, therefore, Leah had to be married first.

And Jacob was silent.

You know why?

Because he was living in the shadow of his own deception. Of having deceived his own father into blessing the younger and not the older. Of escaping that tradition of the younger serving the older.

But let's get back to Leah's story.

Seven more years and Jacob had his beloved Rachel.

And Leah? She wasn't loved by her husband. God saw this. He opened her womb and closed Rachel's.

Leah had a son, Reuben. She believed that now Jacob would see her.

She had another son, Simeon. She was now sure that Jacob would hear her.

She again bore another son, Levi. She thought now that Jacob would love her.

She bore one more son, Judah. But this time God shifted her gaze and she praised the Lord.

She stopped bearing [for a while]. It was no longer about pleasing her husband. About having babies and being a good wife. It was about God, her true love. The only Love that can satisfy.

And this son, Judah, was in the line of promise. He was to bear our Saviour. Leah was the mother of Jesus. The rejected, the scorned, the unloved was to bear the Messiah who was himself to be rejected and scorned and unloved.

But what does that matter? If to be unloved in this world means we can praise God and find our fulfillment in him than let it be so.

Leah's story is so beautiful. It's brokenness finding true healing. It's the rejected finding true love. It's a love story ending in the greatest, most pure, and most fulfilling love possible.



**inspired by Tim Keller's sermon "The Struggle for Love"

update

#1 - I have not blogged in over two weeks because we've been without internet for almost that long. I mean, look at this, guys.

This is why the tower stopped working. It was almost worth it.

#2 - I guess this is the year I turn 20. What to say what to say....

#3 - I guess this also is the year I enter post-secondary education with more than ten students enrolled. And none related to me.

#4 - this really isn't that much of an update. Because I can't think of anything else.